This week, I was in a fog of lament with my son and I being sick for what felt like the five millionth time in two months. I was in mourning. Mourning my life before my husband’s cancer diagnosis, mourning that it was spring break and instead of us jetting off on a warm holiday, we were stuck at home in the snow and the start of my husband’s next round of chemo.
I felt like there was no end to our suffering.
Then I received an email from a friend saying, “God appreciates all you do for your family.” That was what prompted my change in perspective. God asked me to look at this situation differently. Instead of seeing this as a sacrifice and loss, what if I could see it as a gift? Instead of seeing this as a sacrifice for my career goals, I could see it as a privilege to support my husband through this tough time without worrying about finances. Instead of sacrificing vacations, I see this as a staycation to soak up all the time I can with my husband and son, instead of asking “Why me? Why us?”, I see that God chose me to be my husband’s wife for such a time as this.
This note from my friend was a reminder that even when we feel all alone in our sacrifice, God sees us and appreciates us and our circumstances. We are never truly alone. The work and care we give, be it in the wee hours of the night with our children, caring for a sick spouse or child, or any other challenge, God sees us even when nobody else does. The work of caring is important, in fact, it is the most important work of all.
Throughout this journey, I have refused to abandon myself and my emotions. However, I also refuse to swim in them all day long and miss who God is calling me to become. I can have my emotions and still walk in the way God wants me to go. By feeling all of our emotions and crying out to God, He will meet us and guide us in the purpose He has for us. I truly believe that God will never leave us where He found us. He has great plans for you and me, plans to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans for hope and a future.
Gillian Yuan